


It Was All I Had

by GreenRogue



Series: In All their Angsty Hurt [10]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean Winchester Does Not Understand, Episode: s11e08 Just My Imagination, Gen, Jealous Dean Winchester, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Lonely Sam Winchester, Sad Sam Winchester, mentions of child abandonment, song lyric infused
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:28:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24227365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenRogue/pseuds/GreenRogue
Summary: Coda 11x08 Just My Imagination“So—marshmallow fluff and nachos huh? What a—what made you think of that combination?” Sam shook his head tiredly and took another drink from his beer.Dean's curiosity leads into territory he wasn't ready to hear about.
Series: In All their Angsty Hurt [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1480616
Comments: 6
Kudos: 78





	It Was All I Had

**Author's Note:**

> A little coda that's floated around my head for awhile. According to the lore *heh* Zanna are creatures who guide and protect lost children. The flashbacks were great but didn't delve enough into how alone Sam must have felt to call a Zanna. This doesn't quite do it justice either and I might do a pre-era fic but for now, have some feels.
> 
> I do not own Supernatural or the characters, I just like to hurt them
> 
> ALSO the song is "Lost Boy" by Ruth B. Beautiful song and I always think of Sam when I listen to this song.

* * *

_There was a time when I was alone  
Nowhere to go and no place to call home  
My only friend was the man in the moon  
And even sometimes he would go away, too_

_“Come on. You’re a hero. Sam, you saved the world. I keep track of my kids. And you did really good Sam.”_

_“Well—Not all good—“_

The whiskey burned as Sam cocked back another shot. The bar was strangely quiet that night, not that Sam minded. Dean was trying to hustle up a game with a few locals, whereas Sam was just trying to get through the night without breaking apart.

_Then one night, as I closed my eyes  
I saw a shadow flying high  
He came to me with the sweetest smile  
Told me he wanted to talk for a while  
He said, "Peter Pan, that's what they call me  
I promise that you'll never be lonely”_

Finally it seemed as though Dean had given up and all but collapsed into the bar stool next to his brother and ordered another drink. Sam swirled the empty glass in front of him, eyes unfocused and glazed over as his mind was finally gaining that sweet temporary haze of inebriation he’d been craving. It had been a long case, made longer yet by old childhood memories assaulting him with the return of Sully. He huffed a silent laugh to himself again and shook his head, the events of the past few days finally catching up to him. Dean leaned forward on the bar and side eyed his quiet brother. Knocking back the shot placed in front of him, he ordered another double then elbowed Sam in the side.

“Talk to me Sasquatch, what’s got you thinkin’ so hard?” Sam grimaced at the slight pain in his side before shaking his head and grabbing the extra shot.

“Nothing Dean, it’s nothing. Just a long case ya know?” Dean nodded silently as they clinked glasses and each knocked back the shot. Sam relished in the numbing sting now, wouldn’t be long until he couldn’t feel it anymore. Couldn’t feel the burn of the alcohol or the threatening burn in his eyes.

_I am a lost boy from Neverland  
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan  
And when we're bored we play in the woods  
Always on the run from Captain Hook  
"Run, run, lost boy, " they say to me  
Away from all of reality_

They sat in companionable silence for a bit, each nursing the beers they’d downgraded to. Occasionally Dean would glance at his brother, watch the way his shoulders slowly dropped from their tense hold. He could see the lines of stress ease off of his face and Dean clicked his tongue in thought before physically gearing himself up.

“So—marshmallow fluff and nachos huh? What a—what made you think of that combination?” Sam shook his head tiredly and took another drink from his beer.

“Don’t Dean.”

“Don’t what? I was just asking?”

“Drop it.”

“Well now you have to tell me.” Sam chuckled before looking over at Dean with a slight shake to his head.

“You really want to know?” Dean crossed his legs in a mocking manner and rested his chin in his hand on the bar. He batted his eyes and smiled slightly.

“You have my—undivided attention, spill.” Sam smiled and shook his head again before looking back at the beer in his hands and sighed.

“There was one hunt you and Dad were on, was only supposed to take a day or two but I guess you hit a snag and it took about a week before you got back.” He hesitated and took a drink to wet his suddenly dry mouth. “I uh, I ran out of money before you two made it back, it was the night before and Sully and I—we were uh, we were talking about what to make for breakfast the next day and all that was left was marshmallow fluff and nacho chips.” Sam let out a huff of laughter and shook his head at the memory. “I was trying to convince him it sounded like the most delicious thing since sliced bread.” He sneaked a glance at Dean and the slight humor faded at the hurt in Dean’s eyes.

“Sammy—why didn’t you say anything?” Sam became suddenly very aware about how uncomfortable this conversation was quickly becoming and shrugged noncommittally.

“It wasn’t a big deal Dean, you guys were back before I ever got to try it anyway. I knew you two would be back soon, it was just a joke we were having. That’s all—“ Sam trailed off as he fidgeted with the beer in his hands, the ghost of stomach cramps from a small kid ages and ages ago made his eye twitch and he rolled his neck uncomfortably. He cleared his throat, trying to dispel the sudden tenseness around them and forced a smile again. “So we should make it back to the bunker tomorrow, I was thinking there might be some other books in storage we haven’t cataloged yet. There might be something in there about the Darkness. I can get a head start on it if—“ Sam trailed off as Dean stared at him. His green eyes swam with a slight alcoholic haze of anger and sadness and Sam felt himself shrink under the gaze.

“Sammy—why did Sully come to you when you were a kid? You said you were ‘a lonely kid’ but you had me—you knew that, right?” Sam sighed heavily and ran his hands through his hair before glancing around the bar.

_Neverland is home to lost boys like me  
And lost boys like me are free  
Neverland is home to lost boys like me  
And lost boys like me are free_

“I don’t know what you want me to say Dean. Yeah you were there, you were there as often as you could be but—I was a kid, a little kid left alone more often than not as soon as I knew the truth. As soon as Dad said, you jumped at the chance to be with him. And I get it, I do- I’m not blaming you or—fuck—“ Sam ran his hands through his hair again and chugged the last of his beer. The crowds around them had thinned considerably, last call was a half hour away and his pleasant buzz had dissipated quickly with the turn in the conversation. He took another deep sigh before turning to look at Dean. “Sully—Sully found me the first week I was alone. The stupid kid that I was, I got lost on my way back to the motel from the grocery store and I was just—I was just a kid and I was scared. He helped me Dean—he helped me remember how to get back, reminded me how to keep myself safe—and he helped me stay a kid for just a little bit longer. I had no one to talk to when you weren’t around.” Sam could feel his puppy dog eyes in effect as he pleaded for Dean to understand but he watched as his brother’s face slowly close off in anger and rejection. Dean turned away and finished his own beer before tossing a few bills on the bar top.

“C’mon, we gotta leave early if we’re gonna get back tomorrow.” Dean turned away without another word and Sam sat for a few more moments, his mind a swirling mess of guilt and sadness. The bartender walked over and collected the empty bottles and cash and gave him a friendly smile.

“You okay there buddy?” Sam gave a slight nod before standing. He bade the man goodnight and followed Dean out the doors. His brother sat in the Impala, eyes gazing hard ahead and not acknowledging Sam when he got into the car. They sped off to the motel down the street and Sam shifted in the uncomfortable silence.

_He sprinkled me in pixie dust and told me to believe  
Believe in him and believe in me  
Together we will fly away in a cloud of green  
To your beautiful destiny  
As we soared above the town that never loved me  
I realized I finally had a family  
Soon enough we reached Neverland  
Peacefully my feet hit the sand  
And ever since that day_

Things were stiff between them as they prepared for bed. Salt lines laid in silence, teeth brushed in the oppressive cloud of guilt and anger stewing between them. Sam exited the bathroom last and stared for a moment at his brother’s back on the far bed. He could see the stiff posture and knew that Dean wasn’t asleep yet, as far as he was concerned sleep was probably not going to come for a while between the two. Sam eased himself onto the edge of the bed and rested his elbows on his knees.

“Dean—talk to me—“ He heard a violent snort and watched as his brother shifted in the bed in agitation.

“Why don’t you just call Mork and talk to him, hate for you to be lonely or some shit.” Sam tried to ignore the sharp pain in his heart and kept prodding.

“Dean, we were kids—and I just wanted my brother—I didn’t understand then but I get it now. Dad needed you, I just wanted to be needed too—please Dean don’t—“

“Don’t what Sammy?” Dean turned furiously to face Sam, his face beet red in the pale neon lights from the motel outside. “Don’t take it personally? How can I not when I find out my little brother was so lonely some monster had to come keep him company. How is it you attract so many monsters Sam huh? You really must be some sort of monster bait.” The words hung heavy in the air between them and Sam could see the regret in Dean’s eyes before it was covered up in Winchester stubbornness. His jaw clicked shut as the aching pain in his chest turned to numbness. He rolled away from Dean’s piercing gaze and let his body fall onto the lumpy mattress, the far wall blurry from unshed tears. “Sam, wait I didn’t—dammit I just meant that—“

“G’night Dean.” Sam’s voice was quiet in the stillness, he waited for Dean to continue to argue—waited for more verbal barbs to be spewed at him from brotherly hurt.

“Yeah, whatever.” Sam let out a silent breath and clenched his eyes shut. In the morning this would all be forgotten. Another blip on the Winchester history not worth repeating or remembering. Another night of half thought out barbs meant to hurt. They’d silently pack their bags and move on to the bunker for more endless rounds of research. In the back of his mind Sam would bury this night into the recesses of his unconsciousness. Try to forget the words tossed so carelessly and move on with whatever half-baked plan of attack they could come up with. Thoughts of the cage will continue to tempt and torture him as the future seems dimmer and dimmer.

Ages ago and a lifetime almost forgotten Sam was a little boy scared for his brother, and lonely for his family. In barely forgotten memories a kid laughs with an imaginary friend who tries to help the lonely child remember there is light in the world of darkness he’s being raised in. It wasn’t a perfect solution, more like a band aide on a too large bleeding wound but for a while—it made a difference.

_‘Ever think—about running away anymore?’_

_‘I did. Um, I mean, I have. But not in a while, not anymore.’_

_‘—that just means the thing that they’re facing, its super important. And nobody else is gonna go for it, because nobody else has got the balls’_


End file.
